In last week’s blog I provided some possible plotlines for sequels to A Quiet Place. You’re probably wondering how soon these exciting story ideas will be brought to the big screen. Surely a blog post by a wildly successful author like me would eventually attract the attention of the film’s director, John Krasinski.
So here’s how things went.
Fantasy Version
While sitting at my desk at work, my cell phone rang with an out-of-state number and no name. Typically I assume these are telemarketers and ignore the calls. If it’s important, they’ll leave a voice mail message, right? But this time, feeling guilty for all the other long-distance calls I’ve neglected, I grab my phone and swipe to answer.
“Information Systems Help Desk.” I’m at work, so my standard greeting slips out even though it’s a call on my personal number.
“Uh,” the man on the other end says hesitantly. “Is this Grant Smith?”
I realize my mistake, but it’s starting to sound like a telemarketer already, so I keep going at it. “Yes, do you need help resetting your password?” Although we’re past the deadline for filing your tax return, that doesn’t stop the procrastinators from making their yearly password reset call. W2s are only available online.
“Ah, no. I was actually calling about your blog post.”
Now’s it my turn to sound confused.
“Uh, which blog post?” I write some technical how-to documents at work, but we refer to those as “Help Documents.” They can’t be considered blog posts because they aren’t posted on a weekly schedule and don’t allow comments.
“You know, the one on A Quiet Place.” He laughs. “I really liked your sequel ideas. Where do you come up with those?”
I glance around the cubicle farm where I sit, wondering if any coworker could be playing a practical joke on me. Someone actually read my blog? What are the chances of that? And they actually called me? Although my phone number is listed in the DNS registry somewhere . . .
Oh, yes. He asked a question. Well, I actually was sitting at my keyboard when I typed up those story ideas, sir. That’s probably not what he wants to hear, though.
“Well, actually, sir, if you tune into my blog next week I’ll be discussing exactly that.”
Already details start to pour in. I was river rafting in India, typing away at my laptop keyboard, when our guide shouted in a panic. We were headed straight for a waterfall!
The caller is talking, though. Something about meeting for lunch.
“Wait. Lunch? Where?”
“L. A?”
L. A.
La.
La Frontera? It’s on my bus route home.
“Excuse me.” I press the phone against my ear, determined to pay strict attention from here out. “What did you say your name was?”
“John. John Krasinski.”
I’m certain I don’t know anyone with the last name Krasinski.
“You know,” he goes on. “I played Lee Abbott in the film, A Quiet Place. I’m also the director.”
The film. I know the characters had actual names because I looked up the daughter’s, although I can’t remember even that now.
“Wait. You’re the John Krasinski?”
He laughs. “That’s me. So, I can fly you in, but it has to be sometime in the next two days. I wasn’t planning on doing any sequels, but, hey, I really liked your ideas. We’re even looking at the cruise ship spin-off.”
Now I’m out of my chair, walking around the department to see who’s hunched over their phone trying not to be overheard while making a prank call.
“Just a moment,” the caller says. After a brief pause he comes back. “I gotta hand the phone over to J. J. Abrams. He’s having a terrible time with Episode IX and maybe you can help straighten things out . . .”
Realty
The following graph shows all of the visits to my grantedthat.com website for the last week or so.
As you can see, my all-time total visits is only eight, and I’m pretty sure those were all me. And that’s for the entire site, not just last week’s blog. Note that 861 malicious attacks on the site were blocked. Not even the hackers stopped to read my post.
So, sorry. No sequels to A Quiet Place. Not based off my ideas, anyway.
The statistics have spoken. No one reads my blog. Not even you.